Ode to a University that was.

This place is mine

Pink sunsets
Dark nights humming with insects
Mud squelching between clenched toes
The sheer inky vastness of the night sky
Seared into my mind’s eye
With post orgasmic clarity
The red earth
And the rocks
Hot against my thighs
Heavy with the night’s philosophy
Slick with the lubricants of thought
Pregnant with the potential of tomorrow
Words and thoughts drenched in passion

This is all mine

I left.
Bewildered by potential
Unable to hold in me
Your vastness
Your depth and breadth
I sold you in
For walls
And comfort
Pillows over rocks
Electricity over lightning
TV shows over genuine connection
I shrouded myself in fear
Gave it a name
And a kind of power
And retreated into the little hole of my head

Can I be part of you again?
Can I lose myself
In my own utter insignificance
Can I be playful
And learn again,
How to hold thoughts,
Ephemeral, as water slipping through fingers
And how to share thoughts
To fearlessly expose my ignorance
And through this begin to chip away at it?

Can I, again, claim this space?
This vastness
This wildness
This possibility.

May I?

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Friday

I know full well how to write of pain,
And of love, of loss, of joy…
But how to pen down
This bleakness?
How to give shape to
This haze of gray
That obscures my unraveling,
To make it real,
So I don’t feel fake,
An imposter seeking an excuse
For my own laziness.

I was once a person, in myself
I miss her, as one misses
The closest of friends
Through a blur of tears
Shed for no reason
Desperately seeking distraction
Through the electronic devices
Strewn around me,
Leaching an existence
Out of remembered joys
And luxuriating in the anxieties
That keep me hemmed in here
For at least anxiety is a feeling
Distinguishable from the bleakness
That suffocates

I wish I could be her again
So that I know she was real
And that I am, as well.

A portrait of the artist as a self-absorbed obsessive with existential angst

This is what happened when I was too anxious to go out all day and the power kept going off so I couldn’t work.

Anxiety day me in colour

The original is more purply than blue. Something happens when I photograph it that distorts the colour. That’s why I like the black and white version better.

Anxiety day me black and white